Diary Of An Experienced Amateur.

Only smart people will get these tips on how to stay sane amid this pandemic.

Shit! It’s 2am. I should get off Instagram. Okay, maybe a couple more minutes. No, I should sleep. But I should follow a few more people first and see if they follow back or not. I’ll unfollow them either way. Okay, that’s enough social media for today. It’s 2am I should sleep. Wait, it’s Jane from high school. Why’s she posting at 2am? Oh yeah, she went to the US. It’s probably daytime. She looks nice. Life must be good. Damn, she’s pretty. I should do my nails like hers. I wonder how much she spent on them. Whatever, I couldn’t afford them anyway. I hate being broke. I hate my life. I hate myself. Fuck! It’s that damn negative self-talk again. I should unfollow her. She makes me feel like crap. But no, she might get offended. Shit, why do I have to be nice all the time? That’s my biggest problem. I’m too nice. I should unfollow her and everyone else who makes me feel insecure. I’ll do that tomorrow. No, I’m procrastinating. I should do it right now. Fuck! It’s 3am I should sleep. Tomorrow I’ll wake up early so I’m sleepy by 9pm. I will stay off social media tomorrow. I should UNPLUG for an entire week.

Shit! It’s 2pm. I set the alarm for 8am. Damn it! I turned it off and went back to sleep. Great, now I won’t be sleepy tonight. I should get out of bed. I’ll go WORK OUT. Crap, it’s 2pm. No one works out in the afternoon. I should have woken up when the stupid alarm went off. It’s fine. I’ll do it in the evening. I’m hungry. I should go get breakfast. Nobody eats breakfast at 2pm. I’ll just have brunch. I should stop skipping breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Shit! My phone’s ringing. It’s John. I shouldn’t answer it. He’ll know I’m still in bed. Maybe I should answer and tell him I have a flu. He’ll believe me. He’s gullible. I should tell him his girlfriend is cheating on him. No, it’s none of my business. But he deserves to know. He’s my friend. Pfft, I don’t have friends. I hate my friends. No I don’t. I just don’t like talking to them. I should KEEP IN TOUCH. It helps. It helps to talk to people. Great, it stopped ringing. I’ll call him back later. I’m procrastinating. But it’s better if I call him later. I’ll tell him I was doing the laundry. Crap, I don’t have a clean shirt. I should do my laundry today.

I should wear a bra today. Do one of those SELF-CARE thingies. Take a long bath, shave my legs, do my nails, put on some make-up, dress up… I’ll feel good about myself afterwards. I’ll have done that thing. What’s it called? Right, being kind to yourself. But no, it’s 2pm. It’s too late for that. I need to come up with a ROUTINE. I’ll become more productive. Wake up early, work out, shower, eat healthy breakfast, read a book, learn a new language… probably French. Duolingo. I did French in high school. How come I don’t remember shit? I should write a book. I’m a good writer. I’m wasting my talent. I should make the routine right now. But it’s 2pm. I should get out of bed. I’ll make it later. I’m procrastinating again. Whatever I’m used to it. Fuck! It’s 3.30pm I should get out of bed. I’m getting out of bed.

I should shower then eat. Or eat then shower. What do you think? Okay let me shower then eat. But let me check my WhatsApp first. No, today I’m unplugging. But what if something happened while I was offline. What’s the worst that could happen if I stayed offline? The apocalypse maybe. Ha! I’m funny. Maybe I should write a funny book. Like Trevor Noah. I should finish reading that book. I’ll put that in my schedule. Okay let me check my WhatsApp for two seconds. Fuck! It’s 5pm. Damn you social media. I’m going to shower. Darn it!

I should EAT something HEALTHY. I feel fresh. That shower did me good. Let me check the fridge. Damn, I forgot to go grocery shopping. I’ll do that tomorrow. Or maybe I should go now. I don’t feel like wearing a mask. I hate masks. I’ll go tomorrow. I’ll have two eggs, a sausage and bread. I have bread right? Let me check. Yes, there’s bread. I should check the expiry date. It’s the 19th. What date is it today? I have no idea what day of what week in what month this is. Darn this stupid pandemic. I’ll just eat it. I won’t die. Tomorrow I’ll start a healthy diet. Let me finish eating then do the dishes.

Damn, it’s already 9pm. I haven’t done anything today. I should make that routine right now. But no, let me finish this final episodes of HTAWM. I need to know what happens to Annalise. I’m writing the routine immediately after. Shit! I forgot to call John back. He’s probably cooking right now. It’s 9pm. I’ll call him tomorrow. I should write the routine right now then watch HTAWM afterwards. What do you think? No, I’ll do the schedule later. I’m more creative after watching TV. But making a routine doesn’t need creativity right? Whatever. I’ll do it later. Movie time!!!

Shit! It’s 2am…



Join the discussion and tell us your opinion.

Wambui Katereply
June 18, 2020 at 8:04 pm

Most accurate summary of my life 😂😂. .. so sad. .,, beautiful piece as always. .. you should publish a book or sumn

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 20, 2020 at 7:48 pm
– In reply to: Wambui Kate

😂❤I’ll go with or sumn

June 18, 2020 at 8:16 pm

You had me when you mentioned finishing the Trevor book😭😭

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 20, 2020 at 7:49 pm
– In reply to: MUKHWANA THOMAS

Glad to see I’m not the only one 😅

wanjiru titusreply
June 21, 2020 at 7:13 pm
– In reply to: Hope Nyaruai

so I’m not the only one who looks at those photos of childhood homies abroad and pity myself feeling like some piece of junk😂

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 21, 2020 at 10:13 pm
– In reply to: wanjiru titus

You’d be surprised at how many people do that 😂😂

Mary Njerireply
June 21, 2020 at 9:00 am
– In reply to: MUKHWANA THOMAS

Hahaa. Funny and well written. I am so glad I can’t relate. Finally.

June 19, 2020 at 6:39 am

Glad to know I’m not the only one with the social media and procastinating issues😂😂 That aside, really nice piece of writing

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 20, 2020 at 7:49 pm
– In reply to: Engi_nerd

Thank you 😊

June 20, 2020 at 8:18 pm
– In reply to: Engi_nerd

If this aint me…well captured

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 20, 2020 at 9:41 pm
– In reply to: Vivian

😊thank you

June 20, 2020 at 6:02 pm

I love the style you chose on this one 😂 the pandemic cycle..good job girl

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 20, 2020 at 7:50 pm
– In reply to: Godfather

😂Really hit home huh…Thank you 😊

Mourrine Wambugureply
June 20, 2020 at 6:58 pm

Which movie is that…i don’t know the initials😥. Anyways, that is pretty much June for me too😅😅. We need to make those schedules aki

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 20, 2020 at 7:51 pm
– In reply to: Mourrine Wambugu

How to Get Away with Murder. Girl, get up from under that rock 😂😂

Mary Njerireply
June 21, 2020 at 9:03 am

High key happy I cannot relate. I suggest you go look up the 5 second rule. If at all you want to change your routine.

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 21, 2020 at 5:07 pm
– In reply to: Mary Njeri

5 second rule. That’s new. Thanks for the tip😊. Guys I hope you’re seeing this. 5 second rule, google it. Try it.

Lashandra Njihiareply
June 25, 2020 at 6:55 pm

Story of my life. I loved it 👌🏾

Hope Nyaruaireply
June 26, 2020 at 7:12 pm
– In reply to: Lashandra Njihia

Thank you for dropping by sweetheart 😊

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